Life and Regrets

I'm sorry folks, this isn't a funny or feel-good post. I'll just state that right at the top.

Four years ago today my grandmother passed away. I remember the phone call and remember scrambling to get the money to drive 5+ hours back up north for her funeral. A few months before I had visited for the first time in over four years. I saw my grandmother in her bed, a shadow of her former glory. When she died, I was actually happy that her suffering was over. I had trouble coping with what comes after death as my religious views and my logical ideals conflict, but I found solace in knowing that she no longer suffered. The thing that still bothers me is what I did, or actually didn't do before she died.

I was 17 when I decided I had enough of family and wanted to go it on my own. I think shocked everyone when I saved my money, packed my things, and shuttled off to Illinois. I spent several years out there, doing everything I shouldn't. I did drugs, was arrested for shoplifting. Every time I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the face I saw. Then when it all went bad, I called my family and they took me in.

For years I still kept to myself. I didn't feel like I was a part of any family and I know now that was my own fault. During that time though, I saw my grandmother's health get worse and worse. Instead of doing the right thing and making the most of what time I had with her, I stayed away. I even kept away when I was living in the same apartment as she. Somehow I felt like it wasn't my problem. For some reason I blamed everyone for whatever misery my life was in. I recall being suicidal, wanting to just end everything and being angry that no one around me seemed to care. I didn't tell anyone anything, but that didn't matter. So lost in my own self-pity, I let precious time slip away.

I remember I was on my grandmother's computer, doing what I always did online. I remember sitting there at 11 o'clock at night, drowning my life away in some online fantasy game, when my grandmother came in with a sandwich on a plate. I didn't ask for it. I was actually annoyed that she was bothering me, until I realized that she forgot we had dinner already. I had a moment of clarity that I couldn't hold on to. I had seen first-hand the confusion in her eyes when I told her we already ate. I've always been able to read people well, but during this time in my life I had shut that down completely. For a moment it was back, and I could almost feel what she was feeling.

It was probably about a year later that I decided to leave Massachusetts and head down to Pennsylvania. I don't regret making this move, I regret all the chances I had missed. When I saw the video tribute to my grandmother it made me realize just what I missed out on. It's taken me this long to watch it, and I know why. First pass, I saw all my family with my grandmother. I saw them all there, being what a family should be. I didn't see me anywhere. It was the second pass that I finally spotted me in a group photo that must have been taken over 15 years ago. I didn't watch it before, and had a hard time watching it today, because it brings back all the regret and guilt I usually suppress. I do miss my grandmother, but I'm ashamed of how selfish I've been all these years.

When I turned 30 earlier this year, I went back home. I saw some family and did so in a way I never had before. Perhaps I've finally grown up? Perhaps I've finally taken responsibility for my own life and no longer hold any selfish and foolish animosity towards people who had nothing to do with the hardships I've brought on myself? Maybe it's because I've realized just how precious life is and how little time we all actually have? I think it's all those reasons.

For what it's worth now, grandma... I'm sorry I wasn't around. I'm sorry that your first grandchild never bothered to check to see how you were doing. I'm just glad that as the song says, you were not alone.