Fruit of the Doom

Whenever I'm asked (read: sent) to the store to pick up things such as shampoo, conditioner, or body wash, I always get whatever the last variety was that I used. If it was a coconut-scented shampoo and conditioner, then that's what I pick up. I hardly care to try new “flavors”, especially when I rub these products on my body and wash them off. It's not like I'm eating them anymore. Err... I mean... Nevermind.

I think all “guys” do this though. We tend to follow a pattern, and we like it. Sure, change is fine and all when you're talking about trying a new beer, pizza topping, or video game. When it comes to personal hygiene though, we're just grateful that we mastered the basics. I don't really care what I smell like, as long as it's not swamp ass. Sometimes we're forced to choose, and I tend to lean towards the “manly” scented products. If my shaving cream, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, and even air freshener can all smell the same, then that makes my life even more simple. Once women get involved, the issue becomes a whole lot more convoluted.

A woman has to smell “pretty”. It's in their blood or something. Somewhere in the development of a girl into a woman, it's ingrained that they must change their scent every other day. Yesterday was coconut, but today is mango. Tomorrow, we're rocking peachy and the day after? Kiwi my friend. Kiwi. You'd think that Dole had a majority stake in personal hygiene products with all the fruity concotions available. So every week it seems, there's a new shampoo, conditioner, or body wash that smells and looks different than the last. That's fine though, right? Just keep trucking, keep the basics down. What's this, though? A shampoo bottle with a little left? I can't just throw this out...

No, this is where my man logic comes into play. I think “I'll just use the rest of this”. To my dismay, there's more in the bottle than I thought, and I'm soon shampooing more than just the hair on my head. Even better, my head now smells like kiwi-mango-monstrosity. Rinsing it all off, it's now time to condition. Ever notice that the conditioner always runs out before the shampoo? So I grab the conditioner, which happens to be some green-apple-medly. I condition my hair, and then grab my “shower poof” and lather it up with bodywash. Only, my manly-scented bodywash is gone as my niece seems to like it more than I do. What's left? Peaches and Cream. Stick to the basics... lather... scrub...rinse.

So there I am, rinsing off the conditioner and the bodywash. I feel squeaky clean and I really didn't think much about the various products I used to get there. You see, for us men – we celebrate the smaller victories in life. I managed to wash my own ass, that deserves a merit badge right? Then my nose starts picking out the various fragrences eminating from my body. First sniff... is that my hair? I smell like the Chiquita Banana lady. Is that a fruit basket on my head? Good gods. Second sniff... Peaches? Great... Just wonderful. My crotch and ass smell like peaches. The rest of the day, all I can think of is that I'm a walking Fruit-of-the-Loom. This is insanity.

Can't we just stick to one scent? Please?